why are the courts so unfair?

Question

I have been trying for 2 years to get decent access to my daughter. Her mum and partner have messed me about the whole time, they are spending the maintenance on a new car for him and they have threatened and intimidated me every step of the way. At the end all I have been granted is 4 hours a week. 4 hours - i'm meant to be her daddy - its pathetic, i have had my life ruined and the whole court process has caused me so much stress. I cry myself to sleep most nights but the mother has got away with all her crap and is engaged and happy. what is the point.

Answer 1

Because of this :Only in America", only here is it possible for judges and cops to be criminals and get away with it. wish there would be good judges that would listen and care but here they don't

Answer 2

I'm really sorry to hear this, but it is time to think long term.



Stop living in self pity and make those 4 hours the best hours of your daughters week, SHE IS THE POINT.



If what you say is true then she may never make life easy for you. What you should do is start keeping a record of every interaction. A diary of events. Keep all bank statements, always pay maintenance by cheque or direct debit, so there is proof. Constantly keep a Dictaphone on you and record any conversations. Build up as much evidence of everything...and I mean everything. For example keep receipts for birthday presents to photocopying birthday cards. The reason why is over time this evidence will help with any future court action and act as evidence. It also means that if your daughter ever has any doubts about you as a parent then you have evidence to show her.



Finally, and most importantly DO NOT TELL anyone you are doing this. Keep it to yourself because then you will get their real reactions and protection of the info. Also try to have two copies of this info kept in different place. For example if they found out about you doing this and stole your evidence at least you have more.



If you want success in future, this is a constant thing you need to do. The world is not fair and it’s hard for others to make judgements based on what people apparently said/did. Collect this evidence and when the time is right use it effectively.



May sound over the top but this is what the world has come to.

Answer 3

Your comment's pretty evocative of the situation facing many fathers - the problem is that no-one's ever come up with a good way of forcing mothers to accept contact without it having a horrible effect on the child. Very unfair to you, but I'm not sure how else you can focus it other than the child's best interests. Be assured that how to deal with mothers like the ones you've met occupies much of judges' and barristers' talking time - you're not being ignored or mistreated on purpose, it's just that no-one's got the right answer. The reaction of a parent to restrict contact seems to be pretty biologically driven, I've met mothers who genuinely start believing that they've seen fathers sexually abusing the children, even though it couldn't possibly be true in the circumstances. Something primeval and instinctive starts to work in mothers' minds to exclude an estranged partner as a father. It probably works very well in the animal kingdom but causes misery in society. Bad luck mate, and good luck with it.



Don't like your comment about gays though - there's a bunch of pride marches and gay charities because gay people (tens of thousands) go and start them and lobby for them. You can't make out like you're being treated unfairly compared to a group like that, don't push your misery onto people who had nothing to do with it. That doesn't help anyone.

Answer 4

The point, my friend, is that when all is said and done, you know you've done your best to ensure you have a relationship with your daughter and WHEN she asks - she will! - why you didn't want her living with you, you'll be able to show her documented proof that you did everything in your power to fight to keep her in your life as close as possible. More than this no human being can ask... It may even be enough. To know that someone wants you badly enough to fight for you - to go through fire for you - inspires tremendous confidence and trust. What a gift! She'll know , too, that if anything untoward happens at home, she may rely on her champion to take up her cause. Go get the soundtrack to Man of La Mancha and celebrate the courage and determination it's taken to keep fighting against impossible odds!



It's entirely possible that if the four hours goes well, daughter will be inclined to ask for more. Ex, too, might be disposed to more free babysitting ...

Answer 5

Short answer: Family courts are notoriously biased towards females (I won't say mothers... a buddy of mind couldn't get his kids back from his drug addicted ex-wife until she was busted for screwing a 14 year old). It's not fair, it sucks, but it's the world in which we live. DO NOT LET THIS DESTROY YOUR SPIRIT.

My first caveat would be: Beware of worthless lawyers. Locally, there is one attorney among God knows how many that I actually trust. First and foremost, find legal representation worth the ridiculous sum you are likely going to pay. If you have a lawyer who does nothing more than stroke your ego and make empty promises to you, fire him/her. You can give your money to a whore and get better results.

Secondly, know your rights and contact advocacy groups. I can't remember the name of the group that advocates for divorced fathers (do a search), but I know there is at least one that appears to be reputable.

I've been in your position. My son finally came to me after years of dealing with a biased family court system. The boy is involved in sports and other social activities, doing better in school, and states he in no way has any desire to ever return to his mother's home. Unfortunately, the only thing that mattered was when my boy was actually able to speak for himself. I would say just continue to do your best to be a good parent. Have faith in your child. If your wife and others are shallow and vindictive, kids who aren't corrupted by this will pick up on it and they do know who has their best interests in mind. I wish you and your daughter the best.

Answer 6

if you work for a low basic wage say £90 pw and the rest of your pay is performance related bonus, it cannot be taken into consideration when calculating child maintenance, and you will no longer be buying someone a new car, you will also be in a position to renegotiate extended access in return for say clothing and other direct benefits for your daughter, the csa cannot proceed with a maintenance claim if it puts the woman in jeopardy, due to a violent husband, the law does not tolerate threats of violence from anyone, in relation to extracting monies from them.

Answer 7

i had same problem and i had court order to see my children every weekend but my x broke the court order.if a court order is made and its broke the courts should jail the mum for breaking that court order.

when i took my x back to court for breaking the court order i then put in for custody of my kids,but i noticed that in the court the solicitors was really friendly to each other and they tried to make me go into a centre to see my kids which i objected to.i then changed my solicitor and i hired one from another town as the court that was dealing with my case did,nt know my solicitor.it was the best move i,ve ever made as my new solicitor soon got my children off my x misses and now my children know i tried to see them but my x was stopping it so my kids decided they did,nt want to see my x misses no more as they classed her as trouble maker.

try www.justiceforfathers.co.uk and maybe they will help as lots of these family courts have muppets on the panel who dont live in the real world

Answer 8

I understand where your coming from it wolud make me so mad some other men with my kid and i can only see 4 hours a week





Im sorry to hear that you can only see her 4 hours a week

Answer 9

Very sorry to hear of your troubles, I don't have any advice as I have never been where you are. All I can say is the best of British and previous answers seem very good and genuine.

Answer 10

Do they work? If they do, the courts have to take that into consideration, and also if you work they have to take that into consideration. Your visiting times has to be suitable for both parties. [you and your daughter's mother]. life isn't fair.